Benjamin James Lancaster
An Open Letter to Mr. Chester Cheetah
“Chester Cheetah personally guarantees that this bag of Chee-tos will live up to its ‘Dangerously Cheesy’ reputation. Now that’s a GuaranCHEESE!”
—Chester Cheetah
Mr. Chester Cheetah,
I recently purchased a large-sized serving of your Chee-tos Cheese Puffs. I did so fully aware of your intimidating reputation and of the danger inherent in your product – however, I have always had something of the daredevil within me, and have been self-diagnosed with an incurable addiction to adrenaline. This insatiable thirst for thrills runs in my family: my father was the first man to scale Mount Everest on a moped, and if you google ‘zipline explosion philly cheesesteak’, you will no doubt learn the tragic fate of my sister.
Those not so extremely inclined tried to warn me, saying ‘don’t do it, it’s not worth the risk!’ and ‘no one man can handle all that cheese flavour!’ Even so, my craving for that sweet, pulse-pounding high was too great. I took on the challenge. I bought your Chee-tos Cheese Puffs.
To say it was a disappointment would be an understatement. Your product, while tasty enough in its own right, was no more dangerous or extreme than a caged gerbil. I completed the large-sized serving without the slightest hardship. The level of cheesyness never once exceeded acceptably safe limits. I did not experience, even mildly, any fear for my own safety or for the safety of those around me. At no point and in no way did I feel my life was in danger.
Therefore I must refute your “guarancheese”, Mr. Cheetah. It saddens me to learn that behind your boasting lies nothing but a tame and submissive stick of cheese-related products, void of any sort of rush, adrenaline or otherwise. My sister would be spinning in her grave, if we'd been able to find enough of the body to bury her. For shame.
Sincerely,
Benjamin Lancaster
P.S. In accordance with your current promotional offer, I have enclosed the bar code from the package. Would you kindly send me the free Chee-tos T-shirt, the Chester Cheetah wristwatch (orange motif) and the limited edition, cheese-puff-shaped key-chain. I am an XXL. Thank you.
The following is a letter I wrote and mailed to the attention of Chester Cheetah at the Hostess company. Surprsingly, I received a response: a form apology letter and a cheque for $2.99 (the price of a bag of Chee-tos at the time). It was the first time I made any money on something I wrote, and as such it marks the moment I became a professional writer. I still have the cheque.
